That night, she dreamed of the past for the first time in ages. It had also been a long time since she woke up screaming “Light.” It was probably because during the day she had recalled when she had her homework looked over as a child.
Serah gave a little sigh and got out of bed. At times like this, she couldn't sleep even if she wanted to.
Only, it was different from half a year ago when she didn't really have anything planned; there was school tomorrow. She couldn't be yawning in class so she had to sleep no matter what.
Serah quietly snuck through the house and went outside. She had heard it was good to do some light exercises when you couldn't sleep. She thought she would run for a bit around the neighborhood.
Thanks to the fact they had been putting up lights to ward off monsters lately, the inside of the settlement was a lot brighter than before. It was just right for running. While taking care not to make her footsteps too loud, Serah started running.
She didn't feel the cold at all. Rather, the cold night air was soothing. The windows of all of the houses were dark. It was not only the people, but the birds and the beasts were probably sleeping as well. It was quiet. It was only the rumbling of the sea that kept its hold on her attention.
If this were Cocoon then it would still be a time of the day when people came and went. But everyone here was tired from the day's work so they would go to sleep shortly after dinner. That meant mornings were early. There is no doubt that Vanille who was born on Gran Pulse also lead that kind of a life.
“Vanille...”
It was when she casually turned around and looked up at Cocoon. She thought she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. Was it a monster? She quickly lowered her glance.
“Ina,”
She was seeing her from behind but it was easy to figure out who she was. Ina was a girl one grade below Reto. What was she's up to at this hour. Serah followed her from a distance so she wouldn't be discovered.
P76-77
Ina walked along the beach out of the settlement, and set herself down by the water's edge. Perhaps because the sound of her footsteps had been masked by the waves, Ina hadn't felt Serah's presence at all. She put her arms around her knees and squat down like a child.
“What's the matter, at this hour?”
Ina's back shuddered in surprise. She realized by Ina's seemingly sudden gesture of rubbing her face with her hands [lit. fists] that she had been crying.
“You don't have to do anything, okay. Won't you tell me why, though?”
Ina, who was dependable and good at her studies, was the most popular at school. The younger girls were especially attached to her. Ina, who had a much younger brother, was good at taking care of younger children.
That Ina had been crying like a small child. Even the other adults who knew her would no doubt be surprised.
“I'm not allowed to... feel sad,”
Two years had passed so Ina too had wiped away the tears and put on a smile. Then she remembered. Ina's mother had died at the Hanging Edge. She was now living together with her father and brother.
“Nobody cries anymore, and there are other kids that met much worse fates. And also,”
Ina took in several small breaths. Perhaps she was trying to stop the tears.
“I'm the sister. I can't keep crying. I have to get a hold of myself”
“I think you're plenty strong. You're a very good sister.”
But Ina shook her head in silence. She was silent because she was clenching her teeth so she wouldn't cry. Seeing her pursed lips, Serah felt a pang of sadness deep in her heart.
“It's true that two years have passed since then, but... But, you know, I think the sadness of losing a family member isn't something that goes away after a few years. You loved your mother didn't you, Ina? If so then it's natural that you're still sad. I'm still sad even though I'm an adult. A child such as yourself doesn't 't have to hold back.”
Her voice trembled. She had slipped into the busy days and started to try and forget. She really thought she had gotten over it. But she was wrong. It was still sad to remember it now. The same pain from the moment she realized their reunion had been an illusion still remained in her chest.
“But... If I keep crying then my mom will be sad. That's what my dad said.”
“That may be true. That she would be sad if you cried. But, those are your mother's feelings. They're not yours, Ina.”
Serah placed her hand over the left side of Ina's chest
“What lie here are your feelings of love for your mother and feelings of sadness. Both of them are precious to you,”
They are things that will never disappear. No matter how much you look away from them or try to fool yourself, when you think about it you're still so sad. Even if you try to continue holding it in, when a time comes where you can't anymore, things are even harder.
P78-79
Serah silently wrapped her arms around Ina. “This girl is me,” she thought. And there are other children who harbor the same sadness. Not only children, but even the adults who don't show it have their scars too. It was the same for anyone who was at Bodhum on that day.
Only, there was one aspect that made Serah different from them. When she thought about the thing that separated her from the others who had committed no sins, she felt depressed.
Even so, for that very reason she wanted to hold this crying child. Even if could not erase her sins, her present self would become a helping hand.
When Ina finally lifted her face after crying for a while, Serah took her hand and pulled her up.
“Let's go back. If you don't go to bed soon, you'll fall asleep in class,”
Holding her hand as you would with a small child, Serah took Ina back to her home.
“You can't be going out alone this late at night. Promise me you won't do it again,”
“Okay. I'm sorry, teacher,”
Ina looked up at her needily with an “um.”
“If I feel sad, can I come over to your house?”
“Sure. You certainly can. Come by anytime,”
When someone was sad, she could be by their side. She could give them a place to cry. Those facts mysteriously filled Serah with courage. It was different from the confidence that one could do something. It was something more gentle and warm. Maybe it is because we have that warm something, people can reach out to others no matter how trying the times are.
After seeing her tiptoeing into her house, Serah retraced her steps. Now I should be able to sleep soundly. It was when she was about to run back as she had when she came out. Serah suddenly ran into something big and let out a scream.
“Woah, sorry. I wasn't planning to eavesdrop or anything,”
“Snow!? Why!?”
It seemed that because Serah turned around and started running so abruptly, he didn't have time to get out of the way. Snow scratched his head sheepishly.
“Well, it's this late and all? I thought it would be dangerous if you were walking around by yourself,”
Like Serah had followed Ina, it seemed Snow too had tailed Serah, having noticed she snuck out of the house alone. Normally, Serah would surely have realized, but she was preoccupied with Ina who was walking in front of her.
“Why did she look so serious all evening? I was wondering... you see,”
“I was making that kind of a face?”
Snow made a dead serious face and nodded.
P80-81
“Sorry for worrying you. I was thinking about my homework”
“Homework?”
“Yep, homework for me and a kid who doesn't like to study”
The answer had not come to me yet. No, a few model answers you'd give as a teacher came to mind. It's just those answers weren't the one Serah was looking for.
“It's ok. I can think about it tomorrow over breakfast. I should be able to figure it out in time. ...I plan on it”
“I see.”
Snow refrained from inquiring further and started walking.
“Um hey, I heard my sister's voice,”
Serah spoke about what happened when they were preparing dinner.
“I thought I was just hearing things at the time, but I thought maybe it really was her,”
That voice was too kind and warm to have been an illusion conveniently fabricated for her weak spirit. Her sister had actually been cheering her on. It was good enough, that “good luck."
“Even though we can't see each other, she has to be looking out for me from somewhere. I still believe it even now.”
Snow's feet stopped moving
“Hey, Serah. Could you tell me about when we reunited with Sis?”
Serah was taken aback, having been hit by something unexpected.
“Why, all of a sudden?”
“Well, you were saying to that kid earlier weren't you? That the sadness of losing a family member isn't something that goes away after a few years.”
“I did say that... but,”
“I always thought it would be painful for you to think back about Sis, so I could never bring myself to ask. I was ok with waiting until a little more time had passed and you became happier, before having you tell me. And so I'd ended up putting it off,”
Snow would always speak cheerfully about things like his journey through Gran Pulse and his companions. Even so, the one thing he wouldn't try to touch on was my sister. From that day on, Snow would never use “Sis” or “Lightning” as subjects of a sentence. It was probably because Serah looked so sad when she thought of her sister.
“But, I was wrong, wasn't I? It's not something you're ok with after a few years. Of course. So I thought i should have asked you earlier. Even if it's tough to talk about it, when the talking's done we can think about it together, right?”
Suddenly, there was a voice that rang again in her ears. It was the voice of Snow saying “let's do this together." It was a few days after Serah straightly said “because I've become a l'Cie” and talked about breaking up. Snow had said “Let's find a way to beat the curse of becoming a l'Cie, together."
“Thanks. You've saved me again, hero,”
P82-83
“I'm not alone,” thought Serah. Even if nobody else had these two sets of memories, she wasn't alone. There was somebody right next to her who would understand.
“What I know is that Sis whom we should have reunited with is gone. That's all. What else happened back then?”
Speaking of which, Serah herself hadn't attempted to talk about the details either. She had a feeling she only kept saying “Where's Lightning?”
“You said that she had approved the marriage, didn't you? So that means Sis was there, right?”
“It's wasn't just you, Hope and Sazh were there too. As well as Dajh,”
“Do you still remember what I said to the others?”
“I do,” nodded Serah. She wouldn't forget it, that moment when everyone tried to take a step into the future, to begin their respective futures.
“Tell me. Everything. What happened inside the memory that nobody remembers but you.”
“Okay. I understand.”I can talk about this now. Without breaking into tears or becoming distraught. It's different from the day I turned from crystal back into a human.
Even though time had passed, sadness doesn't fade. But, with the passing of time, you become able to talk about it. You become able to turn what was painful to even think about into words. If you can turn it into words, you can share that sadness and pain. Thanks to Ina, she realized she could do that.
“Where should I start? On that day, turning back from crystal into a human, I...”
Slowly, Serah turned those vivid memories that still remained into words.
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